You Can Do This

I first wrote this in December of 2017, a reflection on how to move through struggle when a past trauma has been triggered. To anyone out there struggling - you can do this, you will get through. You are not alone and I love you.

This afternoon was hard. Little Sierra Sage is doing great, but today began twice weekly non-stress tests, as they want to keep an extra eye on her, not knowing what happened to Bo.

I knew it would be difficult to return to the same place where I did the tests with Bo, the same hospital where we delivered and lost Bo.

As I drove the familiar route not driven in almost 2 years, I could feel my body begin to tighten. Arriving at the parking lot and walking towards the hospital was eerily similar - it was as if I was placed back in time...walking while carrying Bo.

I could feel my heart beginning to beat a little faster, the knot in my stomach beginning to grow. It wasn't until I stepped into the elevator- the very same elevator I was in while in labor with Bo, and the very same elevator I left the hospital in without him - that I felt the grip of grief, the suffocation of sadness, memories of the beginning of my worst nightmare barreling upon me. I walked into the antenatal unit and the moment I saw the nurse I knew so well from when I was pregnant with Bo, the tears began to flow.

Why do I share any of this?

Because I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not the only person to have experienced something so profoundly difficult and I know I'm not the only person that experiences moments that trigger floods of painful memories.

It's normal, we are human beings, and our past experiences don't just live in our minds, but they live in our cells.

While driving I tried to slow my mind, to notice my surroundings without getting lost in thought.

As I walked through the parking lot, I tuned into as many senses as I could to anchor myself into the present - the gentle wind blowing, the sound of the leaves moving along the sidewalk, the smell in the air, and how the sun felt so warm.

It was more difficult once inside, but still, I kept moving from one sense organ to the next, to become more aware of my breath, each one pulling me back from getting lost in time.

I let the tears flow when the nurse hugged me, I allowed myself to just feel, without my mind telling me how to feel. And then I came back to my breath.....every single inhale and every single exhale.

By the time I settled in, the monitors connected to her heartbeat, the tight grip began to ease. I stayed connected to my breath and tuned into her.

This was how I got through.

I rooted deep into what was present, cognizant of the past, but willing to live and be in this moment.

This time of year is difficult for many, but let's be honest, life at any time can be difficult

I hope in sharing that what helped me, might help you in getting through when it's most difficult.

One breath at a time.